Off the Wagon

I apologize, once again, for the delay in my posts. I’ve been going back and forth on what to write for a few days but after stepping on the scale this morning and feeling ‘off’ the past couple of weeks, I’ve decided to make this post a bit more personal.

Typically I am the type of person who is very dedicated in everything that I do — school, work, relationships, exercise and diet, etc. If you were to ask me what I’m most dedicated to right now, I wouldn’t have an answer.

I don’t know what’s caused my fall off but it’s been consistent for about a month. I eat too much. I drink too much. I skip the gym too much. I don’t put other people before myself. I haven’t meal prepped. My room isn’t clean. My effort at work has declined… I could go on and on. The point is – I haven’t been myself lately and it’s starting to take a toll on a lot of things in my life -and I hate it.

Do not get me wrong here. Yes, I know my last post was all about balance so you may be thinking, “it’s ok, you can get right back on.” The thing with it is, when I talk about balance, I mean like day to day life, not taking an entire month+ off of everything I typically focus on. Balance to me means some froyo on a Friday night. Balance to me means skipping the gym because my body hurts, not because I don’t feel like getting out of bed. Balance to me means eating the cheese instead of taking it off — all small, minor adjustments. Balance does not mean drinking several days in a row, eating a bunch of candy, eating deep fried foods or skipping the gym just because I don’t feel like going. Balance is small changes here and there, not a whole life flip.. and that’s what I’ve been doing.

Yesterday I asked one of my friends if he could tell that I had been gaining weight and truthfully, I don’t even know why I asked him. He said no, actually that he thought I had lost weight. When it comes down to it, that opinion doesn’t matter. The number on the scale also doesn’t matter. What matters is how I feel.. and I feel disgusting.

I thought that I had a good eating day yesterday (but I also had about 6 beers). I stepped on the scale and had gone up a pound and a half.Normally I don’t weigh myself every day but because I’ve been so off track I’ve been keeping more of an eye on it. Let me tell you, that number was heartbreaking.

4 years ago, I dedicated myself to eating healthy and losing weight. I lost 75 pounds. I look at pictures and I can’t believe that I had ever been that weight and I REFUSE to get back to it.

Motivation is very difficult. I feel like it’s easier for me than it is for a lot of people, but regardless it’s pretty hard. Waking up at 4:30 in the morning is not an easy task. Convincing myself to go to the gym on a Sunday is also up there with “things I don’t want to do.” You think I don’t want to eat those french fries? Or that apple pie? Or those deep fried cheese curds? Because I do. I REALLY do. I’m human, I like good food (clearly deep fried stuff is up there). But my motivation to be healthy and not put foreign things in my body trumps how good that food tastes. The satisfaction you receive from eating crappy food lasts a much shorter amount of time than the satisfaction you receive from being healthy.

One of the ladies in my Crossfit class was trying to put things into perspective for me:

One snickers bar (215 calories) = 3,428 burpees

I hate burpees. I hate burpees WAAAAAAAAAAY more than I like Snickers.

I used to put things into food perspective all the time. Read the calories, translate it to how far I’d have to run, etc. Although now I focus more on macros, it’s still something I need to think about. Calories matter; you don’t need to overfeed yourself and you shouldn’t be starving. I need to get back into that mindset.

I decided I need a goal and I want to put it out for everyone to see. I don’t expect anyone to hold me accountable, but when things like this are public, I’m much more likely to stick with it.

I want to lose 15 pounds before I go to Ireland. (Thanksgiving)

That’s about 18 weeks from now, so if I focus, that should be more than attainable. I need to figure out a way to readjust my mindset and start to make my health and fitness my #1 or #2 priority again. If anyone has any good motivation tips, please feel free to share. I keep looking at the pictures from the past but it’s hard for me to use that as motivation because I know I’d never go that extreme, I just wish I could stop diminishing all of that hard work I put in 4 years ago.

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