As many of you know, my grandpa isn’t doing well. He’s in hospice right now and visiting with him has made me think a lot – mostly about life and what I’m doing with mine.  I’ll go into more detail on his situation at a later date, probably when it isn’t so fresh in my mind to be honest.


I define a friend as someone that you spend time with, know personal things about, enjoy life together; whether it be traveling the world, running errands, having some drinks or just watching TV. It’s somebody that you are choosing to spend your life with because you enjoy their company.

I have a lot of friends. And I don’t mean that to sound cocky. I’m very open about my life with people and I think that it makes it easier for me to build those relationships. I have friends that have been around since the 6th grade and others that I met a few weeks ago. It’s a very diverse group and I love all of them very much.

However, what I lack, is a best friend.

I’m getting to the point in my life where everyone I know either has a significant other or has a best friend; someone they spend all of their free time with. I lack both. I don’t feel that I have anyone I can call on a whim and just “hang out with.”

If you and I are friends, you’re probably reading this thinking that I’m full of shit. That you are 100% that person for me – but are you? Be honest with yourself.

There have been multiple instances recently where I’ve tried to spend time with people and continue to be involved in their life. 90% of these instances have resulted in me getting turned down. This was typically for one of 3 reasons:

  • the friend had plans already with their other friends/sigfig
  • the friend had plans already with a mutual friend and for whatever reason couldn’t extend an invite
  • or the friend simply just “didn’t feel like it”

Don’t get me wrong – I have a handful of friends that I consider to be my “good friends.” The group of people that know even more details about my life than the outer circle, they’re definitely there and I consider them all to be a ‘best’ on some level. But what I don’t have someone that I spend time with consistently. Once in a while? Sure, if I catch a person at the right time. But I definitely don’t have that singular person behind me. My good friends are there for me when I need them the most. That’s been proven over the last week or so, and I appreciate it more than anything. The important part is to have people help you up when you fall down, and I have that. Sometimes I just wish they’d help me up without there being a ‘difficult situation’ at hand.

I feel like I try pretty hard to make sure that people in my life know that I care about them. I am always trying to initiate plans, schedule things, talk about life with the people that I care about. I do little things to let them know they matter to me, like sending snail mail, random text messages, etc.

As I get older it gets harder and harder to accept the fact that I’ll probably never have that “person.” And no, for once I’m not alluding to the fact that I’ll be single forever, I haven’t COMPLETELY lost hope on that (yet). I just mean I don’t know if I’ll ever have that friend I can call to just come over and hang out, anytime, any place.

A few weeks ago I had a friend text me and ask if I’d be up for going to a new bar. Why did she ask me? Because I’m “the only one who’s always down for something new.” Yesterday, I had another friend text me asking if I would go skydiving with her. Why me, specifically? Because I’m “the only reliable friend.” If I have all these great qualities, why is this whole “best friend” thing so hard for me?

Maybe there’s a reason for it, shit, I’d like to know what it is. Maybe I’m not as good at maintaining relationships as I thought. Maybe I have a really shitty personality. Who knows? I half blame social media because I think a lot of people believe that as long as you’re interacting on there, that’s enough. It’s not. Liking things and commenting on things does not make your friendship stronger by any means. In-person communication and time is what does that.

I joke a lot and say “I have no friends” and people always tell me “you have TONS of friends” – this blog post is for clarification. Yes, I have tons of friends, but I haven’t found the one(s) who would call me their #1 best. Not quite yet at least.

I understand that people have their own lives, we’re all busy. We all have our own shit going on. I get that, and I’m not whining about it. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me by any means lol I have a great life. I love the friends that I can go weeks without seeing but still nothings changed. However, I’m a firm believer that if you want someone in your life, you put the time and effort into keeping them there. And it frustrates me sometimes when I feel like that isn’t reciprocated.

Life is short. Keeping the relationships that are important to you afloat should be a top priority, for everyone.

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