Fair warning, this post is going to be a bit more “from the heart” than you’ve had recently. I’ve made a few realizations about myself lately and I’m trying to work through them as well as I can, but I think writing it out is going to help.
I don’t have much self confidence. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what it stems from, but I’m lacking it, majorly.
It may not seem like it from an outside perspective, but coming from me, I can tell you that it’s not fully there. I’m good at faking it. Funny thing is, to me, confidence is a very important quality for any man I date… maybe it’s important to me because I know I lack it?
I lack confidence at work. I lack confidence with men. I lack confidence in workouts. I lack confidence about my friendships. I lack confidence about this blog. I avoid eye contact with strangers in fear of being rejected. I keep my mouth shut during meetings because I don’t want to sound like an idiot. I see my friends doing things without involving me and it gives me anxiety.
I realize all of those things are minor. Most of them are stupid. But they all add up to the fact that I don’t fully love myself. I have grown so afraid of someone telling me ‘no’ or leaving my life – rejecting me – that it tears me down daily. It’s affected literally every aspect of my life and I want it to stop. So I’m going to start making a conscious effort to change it.
Tonight, for example, I was walking my dog. Normally, I avoid people at all costs when I do this. If I see someone coming, I literally change our route so I can avoid them. If I can’t avoid them, I pretend to be focused on Kona so that I don’t have to make eye contact or say “hello.” This goes for both adults and children.
Today, I let three young kids pet Kona, and the smiles on their faces were priceless. I said “hello” to two different adults – ones that I see on a regular basis – for the first time. I think it’s going to take a lot of little things like this in order to help me build my confidence back up… it’s going to be a process.
I think the first step is realizing that it’s an issue and I need to work on it. I want to work on it because I hate feeling like I’m not good enough; it’s a terrible feeling. I want to spend more time reflecting on things and thinking about things instead of always being in a rush and always being stressed out. If I become more in touch with who I am mentally and emotionally, it’s going to help me a lot during this process.
Anyway, I digress.
I am going to SD this week! First trip since FEBRUARY (OMG YAY) so expect a travel update soon! YAAAAS QUEEEEN! (ew)