This is going to be a very vulnerable post. I’ve been wanting to write it for a few days but I was holding out hope that the situation would change and I didn’t want to put this all out there if it did. Now that it’s been over a week, I’m starting to accept it a little more so I think it’s safe to post about.
As some of you know, I have been dating the same person for about three months now. Only 3 of you know, however, that it’s over.
I haven’t told most people because first of all, I can barely talk about it without crying (ridiculous, I know). And second of all, like I said before, I’ve been holding out hope that it would change.
I don’t want to go into explicit detail as to why it ended – mainly for my own sanity – but I do want to say that regardless of what happened, the past 3 months were probably the best 3 months “relationship wise” that I’ve had in a long, long time. Remember Luke? That’s how far back I’m talking. I developed a very close friend and someone that I trusted entirely; both of which are difficult things to find these days. I am completely devastated that it’s over and that it ended the way that it did – so abruptly – it’s difficult to think about and comprehend. I think I’ll miss having him in my life for some time.
If you’re reading this and want to know what happened with the man – please don’t ask me. I don’t want to talk about it right now and it might take weeks or even months before I do.
Supposedly, your “20’s” are supposed to be the time of your life where you’re developing, figuring yourself out and what you want to be, what makes you happy, etc. — right? Can anyone tell me how fucking long that’s supposed to take?
I’ll be 28 in a couple of months and I feel like I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like whenever something is going well I find some way to screw it up. I’m always broke. I’m always stressed. I’m always trying to enjoy the present but thinking too much about the future. I constantly regret decisions I make and I never feel like I’m good enough. I’m not a good enough friend, I’m not a good enough daughter, I’m not a good enough employee, I’m not a good enough dog-mom, cat-mom, niece, etc. When do those feelings change? When do things fall into place? Do they ever? Am I going to be sitting in front of this computer 10 years from now still single and barely making it through life on my own? I just don’t know how to fix it at this point. I don’t know how to get better. I’ve been trying to REALLY focus on improving myself over the past year and a half or so and I just can’t. keep. up.
Anyway, this is the first day all week that I’ve been home after work so I’m about to down a bottle of wine and cuddle with my pets. Happy Thursday everyone.